So I only got home yesterday and already I'm thinking about when I should leave again. The only problem is what with having £200 to my name and no job, I can't afford to feed myself without the mother. Makes me wonder why I'm paying rent on my place when i have no bread to stay there.
I do enjoy being home, catching up with my mates and having my bodyclock reset but sometimes the other 2 members of my family grate on me. I have one of those siblings (Carmen) that has always been the best at everything, head girl, straight A*s always, 1st Class honours, always gets good jobs, beautiful, everyone loves her etc etc. It occasionally makes me sick but after living my whole life with her I'm used to it. I don't even attempt to follow in her footsteps, we are totally different people. I'm the one that the mother thinks she has to give step-by-step instructions to but is fun to have around when I'm not making a mess. I love them both like crazy, they're my family (along with our sexist cat, Snarf) but as ever they do get annoying. I think that if I met Carmen as a stranger I wouldn't particularly like her, mostly because of her selfishness and aparent unregard for anyone else's situation. Of course, if anyone else said that about her I'd punch them in the face.
Thing is, at the moment she's got depression. She wont leave the house unless it's for work and spends all her time in her room. There's not alot I can do to help. I kept inviting her out till she came to a gig with me 'cause she thought I'd get upset if she didn't. I hope she enjoyed it but she might have been putting on a front. Usually I can tell with her. We're both good at hiding our feelings but she's the only one that can see through me, and mostly its vice versa.
So what I'm trying to get at is that she's taken up writing a book, and because she's brilliant at everything she turns her hand to it's going to be brilliant. Like I said, me and Carmen are different people and I'm used to it but in this instance I'm getting a bit paranoid. She's spent about the last decade, including a degree and various work experience focused on becoming a film director. Since I was 9 I've wanted to write. I'm doing a degree in Creative Writing and Journalism, I have countless notebooks and scraps of paper with my stuff on it. the obvious answer is that we should help each other, and I have read what she's done so far and given her a hand with the editing. I have lots of other commitments at the moment and she has all the time in the world, locked in her room to write and only has to leave for her part time job. She was telling the mother today how she's planning to just stay at home another a year or so and carry on in the same way until the books done. She said she can't do a 9-5 job because she'll get board. I think she should live in the real world. I'm not usually jealous but I think in this instance I must be and I feel horrible for thinking this stuff.
I never tell anyone how I'm feeling, not unless I'm happy. My heart isn't made of total stone though, I know how shit it feels when you're depressed. All you want to do is die so the rest of the world will go away. I was suicidal for a couple of years back in high school but i think everyone just thought it was my general personality. I had it all planned but to do it would have been like defying gravity or something, breaking the vital law that means you have to stay in the mundane, repetative cycle of a shithole that is your life. because that's just what you do. You only think about getting through that next hour, that next day, passing time and hoping for some monumental change that wont happen. Everyone has their own opinions on suicide but I think it takes extreme desperation and a lot of guts. A while ago a woman was telling me about her daughter-in-law who killed herself; she said "How could she do that to her children?" For someone to say that, I think just doesn't get it.
I got loads more to say but I'm gonna have to catch some kip, so till next time...