feel the magic

I'm not a smoker. I tried a cigarette once when I was about 17 and I looked like a tit. I don't think smoking is big or clever, but i fucking love passive smoking. My mother has always smoked, it was the way I knew she was around when i was younger, that conforting smell drifting through the house. I went to a gig the other day and I missed that choking layer of smoke floating just above the sweat smell and the constant fear that you're going to get your arms singed. If I have a bloke over who smokes I keep the used ashtray next to my bed for weeks. Watching people roll up always facinates me and I and I still get annoyed when all my smoking friends leave me inside to watch the table alone down the pub. I also love the way that in old films, slowly poisoning yourself looks so cool. Its an ironic but beautiful art.

So you're either in a bar or at a party and it just seems so incredibly boring. Its the same place you've been every night this week and the same people. Then suddenly you're hit with the most fantastic and original idea you've ever had! Let's get drunk! It's fantastic! It's a fool-proof plan, you don't know why you didn't think of it earlier.

The next day you wake up contorted into somebody's armchair with a graze down your leg and a dog licking your face, just wishing you could remember what you did to piss of that guy/girl so much that they left without saying goodbye and will probably never talk to you again. oh and your rent money's gone.

People grow up 2 fucking fast. I always felt cheated out of childhood coz it never felt like "Stand By Me", or an Enid Blyton story. I've always been the same age, only my body's changed and my vocabulary. This basically means that I'm now just a kid with nice tits and I'll fuck because it feels good.
Who wants love, or excess money or a steady job or friends who "know you"?
I'm young I dont need those things now, i hope I never do. If I don't have my fun now it'll be too late. I have my whole life to develop morals. I've never believed in love, I think it's just a rumour that got out of hand and people started beliving in it because they needed to. Love is just a mixture of lust, friendship and having some commonground (which is usually an equally strong desperation not to be alone). As for money i don't understand the drive for it, I just want to be able to meet my outgoings; food, clothes, bills etc. I'm never going to have to support a family. I wont allow myself to get to far into a mundane routine of life. I know its necessary, I am realistic but I've promised myself to not stay in a job longer than 5 years. My worst nightmare is that I'm going to be in the same house, in the same grey town, in the same job, just doing the same thing every week. What's the point. I'd just be waiting to die. I used to work with people like that. All they have is the dream of retirement and by the time I retire, they'll have probabaly raised the age to '150 years or death'. Old people disgust me slightly. Not all of them but there's a type. I never want to get like that. I may just kill myself as soon as I get the urge to buy a tartan trolly or I start to think of young people as another species. As for the last one, I don't want anyone to know me. I don't even know myself.
I realy need to get away from the mother before i become convinced I'm 13. Bring on Septemeber.

I won Defenders of The Earth on ebay. So that's 31/90 of the programmes I've gotta get. Read that they're releasing series 1 of The Racoons on DVD in September. Can not wait.
Been tidying my room today but have just made more mess. its always weird coz I go through all my old stuff like letters from my dad and stuff from old boyfriends and bits of tacky jewlery that I wore as a kid. Takes me so long because I sit down and read every bit of paper or look at every photo. its strange how the only physical remains of a massive part of your life can be kept in a tiny box at the back of your wardrobe. Just collecting dust.
Off down the pub now.

So i went to another gig last night with my mate Needle. It was good, i treated myself to the Scrumpy, inevitabley spilt it but then got a free pint. There were a lot of underage people there, made me want to be 17 again just to fit in. Had the most surreal experience coming home that I only remembered this morning. We spent half an hour in some blokes massive shed drinking wine whilst his landlord played us some tunes on his keyboard and re-hung his pictures at angles. It was like something out of one of my weird dreams, but then the next minute we were back on the bus as if nothing had happened.
Spent today feeding Needle and hoping she might leave soon because I had so much to do. She didn't go until 6ish. I attempted to make the mother a cheesecake to distract from the fact I hadn't tidied my room (yes I do feel like a 13 year old), but it turned out shit so I just got her pissed instead.
Told my ex (Ralph) that i missed him. I know i shouldn't have, but surprisingly he seemed to ignore it. Maybe he's finally realised that i'm not going to get back with him. I mean how can I? I've been with 9 other guys behing his back and it's just not fair.

So I only got home yesterday and already I'm thinking about when I should leave again. The only problem is what with having £200 to my name and no job, I can't afford to feed myself without the mother. Makes me wonder why I'm paying rent on my place when i have no bread to stay there.
I do enjoy being home, catching up with my mates and having my bodyclock reset but sometimes the other 2 members of my family grate on me. I have one of those siblings (Carmen) that has always been the best at everything, head girl, straight A*s always, 1st Class honours, always gets good jobs, beautiful, everyone loves her etc etc. It occasionally makes me sick but after living my whole life with her I'm used to it. I don't even attempt to follow in her footsteps, we are totally different people. I'm the one that the mother thinks she has to give step-by-step instructions to but is fun to have around when I'm not making a mess. I love them both like crazy, they're my family (along with our sexist cat, Snarf) but as ever they do get annoying. I think that if I met Carmen as a stranger I wouldn't particularly like her, mostly because of her selfishness and aparent unregard for anyone else's situation. Of course, if anyone else said that about her I'd punch them in the face.
Thing is, at the moment she's got depression. She wont leave the house unless it's for work and spends all her time in her room. There's not alot I can do to help. I kept inviting her out till she came to a gig with me 'cause she thought I'd get upset if she didn't. I hope she enjoyed it but she might have been putting on a front. Usually I can tell with her. We're both good at hiding our feelings but she's the only one that can see through me, and mostly its vice versa.
So what I'm trying to get at is that she's taken up writing a book, and because she's brilliant at everything she turns her hand to it's going to be brilliant. Like I said, me and Carmen are different people and I'm used to it but in this instance I'm getting a bit paranoid. She's spent about the last decade, including a degree and various work experience focused on becoming a film director. Since I was 9 I've wanted to write. I'm doing a degree in Creative Writing and Journalism, I have countless notebooks and scraps of paper with my stuff on it. the obvious answer is that we should help each other, and I have read what she's done so far and given her a hand with the editing. I have lots of other commitments at the moment and she has all the time in the world, locked in her room to write and only has to leave for her part time job. She was telling the mother today how she's planning to just stay at home another a year or so and carry on in the same way until the books done. She said she can't do a 9-5 job because she'll get board. I think she should live in the real world. I'm not usually jealous but I think in this instance I must be and I feel horrible for thinking this stuff.
I never tell anyone how I'm feeling, not unless I'm happy. My heart isn't made of total stone though, I know how shit it feels when you're depressed. All you want to do is die so the rest of the world will go away. I was suicidal for a couple of years back in high school but i think everyone just thought it was my general personality. I had it all planned but to do it would have been like defying gravity or something, breaking the vital law that means you have to stay in the mundane, repetative cycle of a shithole that is your life. because that's just what you do. You only think about getting through that next hour, that next day, passing time and hoping for some monumental change that wont happen. Everyone has their own opinions on suicide but I think it takes extreme desperation and a lot of guts. A while ago a woman was telling me about her daughter-in-law who killed herself; she said "How could she do that to her children?" For someone to say that, I think just doesn't get it.
I got loads more to say but I'm gonna have to catch some kip, so till next time...